she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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