I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize