I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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