Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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