How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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