The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
