We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
