You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize