Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize