Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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