last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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