Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
