the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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