Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
