I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize