Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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