Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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