i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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