my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
