operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
