the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
