I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
