dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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