I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize