Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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