im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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