My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
