im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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