So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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