I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
