We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
