I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
