Your dad touched me again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
