I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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