I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
