I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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