she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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