wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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