Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
