I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk is not a location!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
