It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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