He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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