the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
