I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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