you're like a bully in the Christmas story
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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