After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
