My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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