I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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