i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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