I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
