He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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