I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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