i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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