he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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