Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
