I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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