Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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