I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
