We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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