Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
