I'm eating all of the evidence.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I am available for nakedness
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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