All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
