I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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