and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
